Detaching from someone you truly love feels like a tear in the heart. This is more intense, especially if you love deeply or have invested heavily in someone who never appreciates you, or someone not kind enough to reciprocate your gestures.
I think about the times I wasted obsessing over someone, analyzing if they were feeling the same way, checking every beep on my phone to see if it was their call or chat, getting disappointed if it wasn’t them, overexplaining myself, and getting mentally drained. Stalking people who never had a thought of me at least once in 30 days. These were dangerous experiences I went through, not just because it was for the wrong people, but because it was also a very dangerous path anyone could tread.
What if I had spent that time creating something instead? What if I had channeled such depth of energy into my blogging and writing, learning a new skill, maybe a new language, as I have always loved German and Spanish? What if I had used that energy to work on my emotions, perhaps work with my hands, learn videography or photography? I would have had something to show for my life. I would have become someone who doesn’t need anyone to feel whole.
What causes someone to get attached?
Let’s get to the root: what caused the attachment that fueled obsession? Let me be very blunt: if your entire life revolves around getting people to like you, seeking validation before you can feel whole, chasing relationships, thinking marriage is an achievement, stalking people who don’t give a fuck about you, living your life so people can clap for you, creating a false version of yourself for the public, anything like “let people see that I am this or I have that” if you relate to any of this, you have already lost who you should become.
If you can’t spend a day by yourself and for yourself without people, then you have lost your authentic self. The part of you that shouldn’t give a fuck about what the world says or not. What causes attachment is when you feel you are not enough, and this can manifest in multiple ways. The question is:
How Do You Train Your Brain to Stop Thinking About Someone?
This is where I struggled the most. Every few minutes, the brain loop from the pit of hell would rush a flash memory of the person into my thoughts, so I told my brain, “This memory does not help my mental health, dear brain, you have to stop.” Sounds interesting, right?
Your brain is wired by repetition. The more you think about someone, the more your brain treats them like a habit.
To break that cycle, I didn’t fight the thoughts rather I fought to replace them.
- I redirected my energy into something demanding (writing, learning, building).
- I reduced idle time (this is where obsession grows).
- I stopped romanticizing memories that hurt me. This person isn’t going through what I am, so why should I keep suffering for sins I didn’t commit?
Your healing begins the moment your mind finds something more meaningful than the person you’re trying to forget.
How to slowly detach from someone you loved?
I learned this the hard way. There was a time when I was so good at writing. I had a real interest in books and activities that consumed my entire week productively. But the moment I allowed romance into a space in my frontal lobe, I began to deflect. I began another journey of seeking how to be available for people. I began to think I was being too introverted. I started to be on the waiting list. In that availability, I lost every element that makes someone worth pursuing. I lost my mystery. So how do you slowly detach from someone you love but who is draining you?
How to emotionally detach in a relationship?
There is something intoxicating about someone who is deeply occupied with something you cannot access. You have to find your quiet allure, it has to be something that immerses you in your own interests. Find your layers of self-containment. From my personal experience, I started learning the art of being unavailable on demand, the art of being unreachable. This is not about playing hard to get or playing any sort of games; this is about finding time to be at peace with your inner self, being whole and complete within yourself. Attraction begins when your attention is no longer cheaply available at the snap of a finger.
How to stop being emotionally obsessed with someone?
When you are nothing more than a mirror for another person, you will always reflect back what they want, even at the expense of your own happiness, hoping it will be enough to keep them attached to you. But it never will. Most seductive people are not open spaces or mirrors; they are padlocks that require selectiveness, something everyone wants the key to. Scarcity creates value, even in human connection.
How to emotionally detach in a relationship?
- The power of silence: Think about the celebrities you admire so much, celebrities are not easily accessible or available. They create a status that cannot be easily reached by everyone, and that, in turn, creates value for them. The moment I discovered that my mystique lives in the part of me that doesn’t need validation from people, I began to detach and invest in my art, I could immerse myself in something productive. Writing, maybe. There is nothing more attractive than someone who doesn’t need you to be happy or feel complete because when you find your value, your journey of detachment has begun.
- Find or create a hobby: Nothing should be left idle. Hobbies are not just for your CV, they are productive outlets that can even earn you a living. Hobbies are where you can dissolve your obsession and reshape your reality. They are places where you can safely retire your mind, thoughts, and imagination. They are a safe haven. When your life genuinely feels productive to you, you become less interested in whether others like you or not.
“The most attractive people are not bored with themselves; they are the ones busy with the craft of becoming.”
The moment you are able to accept yourself as enough, that is when you can begin to feel good building in private alone, disappearing to build a world of mastery for yourself, shaping yourself into the person you have always wanted to become, transforming into a personality that people will be hungry to access. At that point, you truly become.
Can you detach from someone and still love them?
Yes! You can detach from someone and still love them. Detachment does not mean hate; it means that I have realized that this person’s actions and behavior shouldn’t control how I feel about myself. It means that I should, by all means, prioritize my mental health over the actions and inactions of another human.
Letting go of someone you loved wholeheartedly isn’t an easy task, but is it achievable? Absolutely, yes.
How long does it take to emotionally detach?
I will be very blunt, without planting false hope for anyone: emotional detachment largely depends on how intense the bond was. It depends on the personalities involved. People who love deeply and with responsibility, like myself, take a longer time to completely heal. It is definitely not a quick or simple task. It can take a few months to a year or two if you don’t give room to actions that reset your progress into relapse.
There must be strict physical disappearance, no social contact, no checking of status, zero stalking, no calls or texts of any kind, restricted physical contact, etc. You stop checking your phone hoping it’s them. I knew it’s over, but my heart hasn’t caught up, gradually it fades into the blue and what is left now is absolute peace.
And like I stated above, I created hobbies for myself. You can’t detach into isolation or doing nothing you have to have something that keeps you not just busy, but something you can fully absorb yourself into, something you can monetized, in my case, I monetized everything I write. This means, if you find your creative hobbies, you can make money.
Is detaching the same as moving on?
Detachment is one of the necessary requirements for “moving on.” You can’t move on with your life when you are still cycling around what is mentally and physically draining you into stress.
What Does Detachment Feel Like?
I can tell you that detachment doesn’t feel like strength at first, it feels like you are losing something you treasured so much. It feels like withdrawal from something your mind has grown addicted to.
You check your phone less, but your thoughts become louder.
You stop reaching out, but your emotions keep reaching inward.
Detachment feels like gradual silence replacing chaos.
And slowly, that silence becomes peace.
Always remember this:
“The most attractive people are not bored with themselves; they are the ones busy with the craft of becoming.”
I hope you enjoyed reading through a personal experience?
Be honest, are you still attached to someone who doesn’t deserve you? Tell me why. Please don’t leave this page without Letting me hear your thought in the comment section.
Thank you for reading.
from DEAR SON
This really sounds great and helpful but it can be really hard when the person you want to detach from does not want to let you be or let you go completely